I'm Not Racist, But...

"I'm not racist, but..."

I heard this phrase recently (from someone I didn't really expect it from), and unsurprisingly, it was followed by a racist comment. Not Trump-esque inflammatory, not especially bigoted or horrible, but racist nonetheless. The worst part was that it had been preceded by that comment. Had the same thing been said with an admission that the speaker was uncomfortable with this fact about themselves, I would have been a lot more ok with what they said, but for some reason the denial made it worse.

I have two kids, and like most kids, they give responses like, "I'm not arguing with you!" or screaming "I'm not tantruming!" when they very much are. On one level it's amusing, but even at their young age, the lack of taking ownership of one's faults irks me. More than anything, it is because that has been one of my own biggest failings: it took a kind comment from a former boss about how I am always wanting to blame-shift when he approaches me with a problem before I learned to take responsibility for my own failings and mistakes. (Thankfully, at the time I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut, even though my very first thought was, "No, I don't do that!" The irony was not lost on me).

I have sympathy for people who don't take full ownership of their faults though, because I know it's really hard. That comment from my boss was about ten years ago now, and I'm still working on putting it into practice. I get it: we don't want to be wrong. In the narrative of our lives, most of us cannot bear to see ourselves as the villain - instead we would rather see ourselves doing everything for good reasons, that everything we do and say is justified.

The reality though? You are just as selfish as me. You are just as likely to be the villain in someone else's story as the morally-upright hero in your own.

I think if we are really honest with ourselves, we all know that we are anything but morally upright though, don't we?

Hmm, it's quiet in here.

So, are you racist? No, of course you aren't. We've all met someone like the old lady I talked to when I visited America years ago, who was so disappointed in my friend because he was marrying - shock, horror - a Hispanic girl. It was "so below him" to marry someone from "an inferior race".

I'll be honest, that was the closest I have ever got to wanting to inflict physical harm on an old lady. Again, thankfully at the time I kept my mouth shut, but that was only because I couldn't think of anything whatsoever kind to say in response.

We see charlatans like Donald Trump, or some of the (honestly sickening) things being said to immigrants in the UK after the Brexit vote, and it's easy to say "Wow, that's horrible - I'm glad I'm not racist like them." It's easy to compare ourselves to the worst and be self-congratulatory for not being that bad.

And, I would actually expect that, like the person who spoke the opening comment above, we honestly don't think of ourself as racist.

I have some sad news for you.

You are racist.

So am I.

I could easily point out how I love travelling and meeting new people, how I love learning from different cultures, how two of my very closest friends are Chinese, how I have other friends and acquaintances from all walks of life, backgrounds, and religions (off the top of my head, I can name Indian, Maori, Mexican, Polynesian, Iraqi, Japanese, Korean, German, people from several parts of Africa, Christian, Atheist, Muslim, Buddhist, bisexual, homosexual...) To show how I think, I could use the example of a story I am writing at the moment, with a part-Maori female engineer as the main character, and other characters who include an Arab woman, an intelligent African guy, a Japanese-American millionaire, French, Indian, someone who doesn't identify with binary genders, and a disabled guy. I actively go out of my way to root out racist tendencies in my own life. I hate hearing about racial discrimination.

But you know what? I am still racist.

I, like I expect most of you, honestly thought I wasn't, until I spent time in East Africa. One of my friends there (Australian by birth, if you really want to mess with stereotypes of who is racist) had grown up as a "missionary kid" and she simply did not see racial differences. It was weird to meet someone like that, and disconcerting to realise that at a subconscious level, I saw lots of differences between cultures and races (some nothing more than baseless perceptions). I am very glad though, because it made me see that I have a long way to go.

So perhaps dialogue on race can start with a couple of concessions from us all:

• I am racist. Say it out loud: I. Am. Racist. Say it again: I am racist. I am a bigot, whether I like it or not (hopefully, not). Feeling uncomfortable? Good. You should, as I guarantee you have said something in your life that made someone else feel uncomfortable.
• There isn't really such a thing as race anyway. (If you don't get what I'm talking about, go look it up, but in simple terms: everyone is a bit of a mongrel, and the idea of singular racial streams is an illusion - at a genetic level, there are more differences among groups of white people than between a white person and a black person. We're all human).

If you read or follow dialogues among people of racial minorities in places like here in New Zealand, you may come across the term "Micro-aggressions". Now, at first you might (like me) think, "Surely that's just trying to make a big deal of out nothing? It's not that bad, get over it - this is 21st-century New Zealand, not the 1930s in America's Deep South!"

But, then if you read more of what they are talking about (a Kiwi-Chinese guy I know from University writes very eloquently on the subject), you begin to see that, when you are the target, there genuinely are a lot of subtle racial slurs or "micro-aggressions" directed towards them. Sometimes, people do that deliberately, sometimes the aggressor doesn't even realise - and yes, some are genuine misinterpretations, but a lot less than us who are the privileged white elite would expect.

I am fortunate that I was born into a good family in a prosperous, peaceful, country, with myriad opportunities. I am, if I'm honest, a privileged white guy. By nothing that I could control or influence, I get to be considered "top of the pile" in pretty much every area, because of my sex and shade of melanin^[1]. I'm not rich (boy do I know that) by Western standards and neither is my family, but on virtually every metric of quality of life (income, safety, healthcare, education, etc), I come in at or close to the top 1% in the world. When I learned that, it disturbed me, in a way best summed up by a quote I saw this week:

What are you going to do with your privilege?

I don't know, in many ways. I am working long-term on finding ways to make my life worthwhile to those worse off than me, or who suffer more from racial discrimination, but I could do more now. We all could. But you know what? Letting that get to you will only bring despair. Don't let the size of the world's problems make you feel like you can do nothing.

You witness micro (or not-so-micro) aggressions and do nothing about them. You see idiots spouting rage and garbage (especially on the Internet) and shake your head.

But, you know people. You can be the one who reaches out to that foreign stranger and welcomes them. You can show an interest in people different to yourself. You can, instead of complaining how the Chinese are buying all the houses and ruining "our housing market", go and make some Chinese friends and learn to understand their culture. Go to an authentic foreign restaurant (or even a nearby takeaways) and try to learn how to thank them in their own language (although check they don't sound like a local first!) Engage with people who disagree with you (and do it with respect). Be the person who stands up for the awkward kid who can't speak much English and gets picked on because of it.

Show the world - your world, your little sphere of influence - that racism is not ok. Make it clear (starting with yourself) that being awful to someone you disagree with pretty much makes you an a... a jerk.

Question yourself. There is a story that says at the Museum of Tolerance (set up by Jewish Rabbis in America), there are two doors, one labelled "Prejudiced" and the other "Not Prejudiced". Most people, on arriving, stop thoughtfully for a moment here, then try the "Not Prejudiced" door, only to find it locked, forcing them to take the "Prejudiced" door. We are all prejudiced, and - I think - the more we are self-aware of this, the more likely we are to treat others better.

I do get it though: you become used to what you grew up with, and change is disconcerting. For a lot of the UK, they grew up in white-faced, comfortable townships, and now they find themselves surrounded by strangers with languages they cannot understand and incomprehensible cultures. The world around them has changed, and it makes them uncomfortable. I am supremely thankful that I grew up with a Maori kid next door and a recently-arrived Chinese family over the back fence - multi-racial environments (and new immigrants) are natural for me now, but I know that isn't the case for a lot of people. It is going to be hard, especially for those of you who are a little bit older and not used to this strange new world we live in (for you younger ones, yes, the world now is very strange compared with all of prior history). Building community with strangers takes work, but it is absolutely worth it.

Another quote I saw this week (post-Brexit) on the subject of racism was this, "I don't see the problem with the [Brexit] result being that half the country is racist, but that now the racists think half the country agrees with them." Don't let the horrible people in the world believe that others agree with them, please. I know someone in the UK who voted Leave, but definitely not for racial reasons (politics is always more complex than the media would have you believe, but that's another, very long, topic...) We need to make it clear that we, no matter who we are, do not agree with people being blatantly racist.

If you want a better-written version of this message, then go read Andrew Chen's post about Brexit. He says it better than I can, but I think it is a message worth repeating.

And, thank you. I hope that this is helpful to someone. This is me trying to influence my tiny part of the world. If enough of us do this, we might even change the big world, too.

Oh, and if you are in America - or know any Americans - please show Donald Trump that racist rhetoric will not get you elected! I know the American election this time around is the choice between "very bad" and "even worse", but we cannot let Trump's sort of attitude be acceptable for a leader.