Why do you do what you do?
For most of my life, I've been driven by wanting to make a difference, by wanting to find a cause, by wanting to achieve something worthwhile. This has taken me some amazing places and I've had a chance to do a lot of interesting things – I spent nearly a year volunteering in Africa, I worked in a TV station, I've studied civil engineering and disaster management, and now I work in a job that is about saving lives. In my current job, I can point to a situation where someone has said that what I did (install some special smoke alarms for them) is what saved their life, so in some ways it's hard to get a better, "I've done something worthwhile with my time."
But, I find I still struggle with meaning and purpose, still wonder if I'm doing enough, still wonder if anything I does really matters – or if it does matter, whether it matters enough, or if I could be doing something better. I still spend a lot of my time – sometimes it feels like most of my time – doing things that don't feel like they are worthwhile. I play computer games, I waste time (a lot of time), I spend far too much time on Facebook or watching YouTube. Sure, some of that has been beneficial, and I've learned things from all of those, but that nagging, "Have I done enough?" still sits there, staring me down, a silent accusation that my talk does not match my walk.
In some ways, that can be a good thing. That challenge to do better, to keep improving, to keep wanting to make a difference can be really positive, and it does sometimes drive me from time-wasting to doing something useful. But, at other times it can feel condemning: "You could be doing better, you could be doing more."
This has been especially challenging for me over the last few years, and even more the last couple, as my health has not been great – I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease about 5 years ago, but recently have had a growing problem with fatigue (possibly chronic fatigue syndrome, though we're still working on a diagnosis – if anyone has been through similar health issues, you'll know it can be a long road). So, sometimes I actually cannot do more. Sometimes the most productive thing I can do is sleep, so I have enough energy to face the next day. This is no end of frustration, even without that constant feeling that I need to do something worthwhile with my life.
Most of you will know that I have a pretty heavy interest in science, but that only makes these challenges worse, because I know enough to know that there are huge problems in the world that need all of us to contribute (climate change, ecosystem destruction, pollution, etc), and that most days I'm contributing more to the problems than to the solutions – because it's hard not to. Knowing the scope of what we face as a world and how little of what needs to be done that is actually being done can be dismal knowledge to possess.
But something I've realised? "Doing something worthwhile with your life" is not about the big things (though they definitely matter). It's about the smaller things: about those day-to-day, person-to-person moments, those little decisions and little actions that usually feel insignificant at the time, but might matter a huge amount later. To use that work example from above: I have installed a lot of smoke alarms for people, but only one of them actually seems to have helped save someone. Most likely, there has been something else in my job that has prevented a fire and none of us will ever know about it – it is basically impossible to measure the thing that didn't happen because of something you prevented. And even outside work, I expect that the things I've done which have mattered most are probably not the ones I would have thought of. Those little actions, little things you do to help someone else aren't insignificant – they are the only things that are significant (and I say this as someone who has spent nearly my whole adult life chasing the ideal of trying to make the world better).
I heard a quote a while back on how people talk about what they would do differently if they could go back in time and change things – how small changes amplify over time – but that no one ever thinks like that in their "today". There's no difference between some tiny, seemingly-coincidental action in the past that dramatically shaped your life now, or every action you take today, except for your perspective on the situation. Too often we assign arbitrary significance to certain events and choices, when really every choice is like that in some way.
So, there are three things that I think about from all this: one, what you are doing matters, don't ever forget that and don't lose heart doing it; two, don't ever feel condemned that you're not doing enough; and three, if someone does something that you find valuable, then tell them – quite likely, they have done good for many others and never knew about it. We all like to know when something we said or did counted to someone else. Act like every little decision matters – but never beat yourself up for resting, taking the time to enjoy life, or having some fun. Without those moments, life becomes drudgery.
Does this mean I am discouraging you from trying to go after the big stuff or to avoid attempting the giant goals? Absolutely not. Our world needs people who dream big, act big, and go after those impossible problems. Even failing at trying to shift one of the big issues in the world probably still moves it just a short way forward – and, if nothing else, it's better than continuing to be part of the problems. But, don't lose heart if you feel like what you're doing doesn't matter enough, or if you feel like you can't reach what you wanted to reach; it's still worth trying – and really, there is no such thing as a "little good" – any good you do is big, even if no one sees it (especially yourself).
Courage, dear friends. The road is long, but we do not travel it alone.
